The rush of uneasiness came the day after the diagnosis. This is where my mind raced to ask all the hard questions. What if Heavenly Father was going to call my Jacob home? What if he is able to fulfill his mission and purpose on this earth in only 8 or 9 years? How could I bare to live without him? Could I walk him to the veil and kiss him goodbye? The heartache was more than I could take. Oh, my baby Jacob. Not my sweet Jake. I wasn’t even starting to ask the questions like – how would James move past this? How would these brothers live without each other?
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I was up very early after a late night. I started the day immediately with Excedrin. The pain swept across my forehead, through my right eye, tucked behind my ear, then ran down the right side of my neck and shot out of my shoulder. I went on a mini walk to help limber up my body. I cried as cruel questions & concerns darted at me concerning funerals, finances, & other unfriendly thoughts.
Jacob was playing video games. Jon was finishing up his call to his parents. I was grabbing a quick shower before we made German Pancakes. Jake, James, & Jessica each broke three eggs each. Then the boys wanted out to finish their games. I continued to prepare breakfast on my own.
I called mom while breakfast baked. I forgot about it, but salvaged it in time. I found Jacob in the front room with his head buried in the carpet. Jon & I have been SOOO worried about how Jacob is processing the information. “Are you worried?” I asked. Shake. “Are you scared?” More irritated shake. “Are you angry?” Nod. Then he said, “I don’t like those kind of German Pancakes. Turns out that I used part Flax Flour in the mix that added brown flecks in the German Pancakes. Jacob took one look and them and wouldn't even try them because they didn't look like they usually did. He eventually ate a whole serving with syrup.
I took the kids to Blockbuster to choose movies for movie night while Jon & I were at Wicked tonight. We rented 4 movies & one DS game. Then we walked to Longs Drug to choose treats. It was nice to be out with the kids. I walked slowly and enjoyed each step.
Jacob was pouting on the sofa when it came to the lunch menu too. Jon prepared meat & cheese sandwiches because they had syrup at breakfast. Jake resisted. I told him that he could have a peanut butter n honey sandwich as a treat if he ate the first one. He did take a few nibbles out of the meat sandwich, but he made himself a pb one that he ate in it’s entirety.
I took an hour at a time today. Dad called after Mom got a hold of him with the news. I talked later with Laneea. I tried to reach our RS President.
My theory today was to fix the things that I can fix. Baby is hungry – I can fix that. Jessica is frustrated that her shirt is twisted inside out – I can fix that, etc.
I was proud of Jessica today. She completed a brand new 63 piece Strawberry Shortcake puzzle all by herself.
I made Jacob & James do video interviews in the back yard. They sang, “I Hope They Call Me on a
We ate at the California Pizza Kitchen. I kept getting all teary-eyed. Too tired to keep it all together. We ate there years ago after watching Finding Nemo when it was just the boys. We need to have more memories now that all of us are here together.
During the most comical scene in Wicked, my body laughs turned to body sobs/cries. Apparently all the emotions are closely connected. I remembered thinking how beautiful Jacob was when he was born. He had very few blemishes from delivery – so beautiful.
Again it’s after 1 a.m., but when would I ever catch up on these overwhelming accounts. Jacob will go with Jon tomorrow morning for his CT and then for blood work. We talked about taking the family to the beach. I’d like to watch my kids build a nice sand castle.
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