Long Lashes

Today I realized that my son could loose his gorgeous curly lashes and eyebrows. I knew that chemo could take his hair and he'd be bald. He actually asked me if he could shave his head bald once. But I wasn't thinking it would take ALL his hair from everywhere. Today I mourned long curly lashes.

C is for Cheesecake

I love rich, creamy cheesecake.
C is for cheesecake.

C is for cool, creamy ice cream.
C is for chocolate-chip cookies.
C is for chilled cookie dough.

C is for cantaloupe, cauliflower, cherries, coconut, and chocolate.
C is for crisp celery sticks with chunky peanut butter inside.
C is for Cheetos and cat naps and cell phone calls.

C is for cameras and crops and conversions.

C is for Christmas and chimneys with stockings.
C is for spinning in circles and cousins.
C is for crafting and climbing and coloring.

C is for caring and all the things we cherish.
C is for children and cooking and cleaning.
C is for camp outs and colorful candies.

C is for candles and caresses.

C is for cupcakes and celebrations.
C is for cheering and clapping and cuddling.
C is for cute chubby cheeks.

C is for clever and clueless.
C is for cartwheels and conversations and chatter.
C is for community and church.

C is for Christ with His compassion and charity.

C is for crunching crackers or carrots.
C is for careers, and college, and grades we regret.

C is for corn dogs and cotton candy.
C is for carnivals and carousels and counting out tickets.
C is for cheerful squeals on coaster rides.

C is also for cancer.

C is for chemotherapy and cringing and crying.
C is for cussing.
C is for unknown causes and finding a cure.

C is for courage, caring, and conquering the challenge.
C is for craving clarity, calm, and comfort.
C is for the champion.

Every life will have some C's. Some more than others.
But when it comes right down to it,
I like it best when C is for cheesecake.

CT, Bloodwork, & Beach - July 23, 2008

Jacob had a CT scan, Bloodwork, & Pre-op appointment

Jon took him to these. They left at 6 a.m. and didn't get back until after 2 p.m. Everyone was very helpful, but there were some insurance approval issues that bumped everything back. LOTS of waiting for the pair of them. I also hadn't pieced together that Jacob had to drink a big bottle of orange fluid and wait an hour before the CT. He also had to have an IV for the stuff they inject him with so they can see on the CT. Jon said it did look like those big machines you see in the movies with the laser lights. Jacob held up very well with all the needles today. I'm so proud of him.

We packed the family up around 3 p.m. and went to the beach to play, BBQ, and rest from all this craziness. Jacob was in heaven. All of us were. It was Jayson's first time to the beach. I think he'll want to go again.

Happy Anniversary - July 22, 2008

The Morning After -

The rush of uneasiness came the day after the diagnosis. This is where my mind raced to ask all the hard questions. What if Heavenly Father was going to call my Jacob home? What if he is able to fulfill his mission and purpose on this earth in only 8 or 9 years? How could I bare to live without him? Could I walk him to the veil and kiss him goodbye? The heartache was more than I could take. Oh, my baby Jacob. Not my sweet Jake. I wasn’t even starting to ask the questions like – how would James move past this? How would these brothers live without each other?

**********

I was up very early after a late night. I started the day immediately with Excedrin. The pain swept across my forehead, through my right eye, tucked behind my ear, then ran down the right side of my neck and shot out of my shoulder. I went on a mini walk to help limber up my body. I cried as cruel questions & concerns darted at me concerning funerals, finances, & other unfriendly thoughts.

Jacob was playing video games. Jon was finishing up his call to his parents. I was grabbing a quick shower before we made German Pancakes. Jake, James, & Jessica each broke three eggs each. Then the boys wanted out to finish their games. I continued to prepare breakfast on my own.

I called mom while breakfast baked. I forgot about it, but salvaged it in time. I found Jacob in the front room with his head buried in the carpet. Jon & I have been SOOO worried about how Jacob is processing the information. “Are you worried?” I asked. Shake. “Are you scared?” More irritated shake. “Are you angry?” Nod. Then he said, “I don’t like those kind of German Pancakes. Turns out that I used part Flax Flour in the mix that added brown flecks in the German Pancakes. Jacob took one look and them and wouldn't even try them because they didn't look like they usually did. He eventually ate a whole serving with syrup.

I took the kids to Blockbuster to choose movies for movie night while Jon & I were at Wicked tonight. We rented 4 movies & one DS game. Then we walked to Longs Drug to choose treats. It was nice to be out with the kids. I walked slowly and enjoyed each step.

Jacob was pouting on the sofa when it came to the lunch menu too. Jon prepared meat & cheese sandwiches because they had syrup at breakfast. Jake resisted. I told him that he could have a peanut butter n honey sandwich as a treat if he ate the first one. He did take a few nibbles out of the meat sandwich, but he made himself a pb one that he ate in it’s entirety.

I took an hour at a time today. Dad called after Mom got a hold of him with the news. I talked later with Laneea. I tried to reach our RS President.

My theory today was to fix the things that I can fix. Baby is hungry – I can fix that. Jessica is frustrated that her shirt is twisted inside out – I can fix that, etc.

I was proud of Jessica today. She completed a brand new 63 piece Strawberry Shortcake puzzle all by herself.

I made Jacob & James do video interviews in the back yard. They sang, “I Hope They Call Me on a Mission.” Wouldn’t that be wonderful to have both of my older sons in the mission field at the same time.

We ate at the California Pizza Kitchen. I kept getting all teary-eyed. Too tired to keep it all together. We ate there years ago after watching Finding Nemo when it was just the boys. We need to have more memories now that all of us are here together.

During the most comical scene in Wicked, my body laughs turned to body sobs/cries. Apparently all the emotions are closely connected. I remembered thinking how beautiful Jacob was when he was born. He had very few blemishes from delivery – so beautiful.

Again it’s after 1 a.m., but when would I ever catch up on these overwhelming accounts. Jacob will go with Jon tomorrow morning for his CT and then for blood work. We talked about taking the family to the beach. I’d like to watch my kids build a nice sand castle.

July 21, 2008 - The Day that Changed Everything

9:30 a.m. Well Child Routine Exam

Jacob is 4 foot 6 3/4 inches. He weighs 81 pounds. Both are in the 97^th percentile. His index finger was poked to check his iron levels. He passed his vision & hearing screenings. He even got to pee in a cup – WEIRD! He was uneasy about the part of the exam when the doctor was going to check his privates. He looked at me with eyes as big as saucers. “Why?”

Dr. Ibrahim explained that doctors check their eyes and throats and that was part of their body too. Jacob is ticklish and giggled during the exam. Dr. Ibrahim could tell immediately that “something is not right.”

After his chicken pox booster shot, we went directly to San Antonio Community Hospital where I’ve delivered all my babies. I only know the maternity wing, so we got a bit turned around trying to get to pre-registration & the ultrasound lab.

11:45 a.m.

Jon was able to meet me at the hospital to wait around for the ultrasound when they could fit us in. I took Jayson and went and picked up the other kids.

3:30 p.m.

Jon spoke to Dr. Ibrahim who arranged for us to meet with a Pediatric Urologist at Loma Linda Medical Center. He drove back to SACH to get a disk of the ultrasound to take with us.

4:30 p.m. – Appointment with Dr. Chamberlin

We met the urologist who was working his first day in that office. He’s transferred from Orange County and lives in Mission Viejo. He is LDS with six children and was just released as bishop. He put us at ease – spoke to Jacob about his CTR ring.

He did an exam with Jacob squiggling and giggling all over the place. Then there was talking.

The diagnosis is a tumor until proven otherwise. Jacob needs surgery, bloodwork, and a CT. Arrangements are coming together to have Jacob’s left testicle and tumor removed on Thursday with his other tests on Wednesday. In the meantime – Tuesday- Jon & I have evening tickets to see Wicked at the Pantages Theater.

I think it was the word “surgery” that caught up with Jacob’s tear ducts. He’s afraid. So am I. He doesn’t know all the reasons why he should be afraid. I know too many, but not all. The not knowing is torturous.

A biopsy needs to be done on the tumor to know exactly what we are dealing with. Even when the diagnosis comes in, I don’t think we will ever really know “exactly what we are dealing with.” How do you deal with all the knowns let alone the un-knowns.

6:30 p.m. – Take Jacob to Golden Spoon Yogurt to redeem his certificate for building the best sand castle during the last week of school.

The realizations Jacob made during the course of the evening:

No more basketball this season

No swim lessons or swimming for at least a month

He’s only going to have one testicle

He’s afraid to have surgery

No more riding his bike

We held a late FHE. I gave the lesson on being a Forever Family. I shared how we can be together because of the promises Jon & I made in the temple 11 years ago. Sometimes we forget to notice the wonderful things about the people we love most. We fight, quarrel, or ignore. I wrote each person’s name on the top of a paper. We then traded papers are wrote 3 words that described that family member. Then we read them aloud.

Jacob read my page. He wrote, “Hi-Bye-Why.” Then he rolled around on the floor laughing out loud.

Day 1

Too much. Too fast. "I kind of wish the doctors, technicians, and medical staff weren't being so accommadating to us." We could sense the urgency, the seriousness.

Jon asked, "Is this really happening?" But since we are going to have to take this one step at a time, I said, "Today it's just a tumor." Today we don't worry about cancer or chemotherapy or losing our precious son. Today he has a tumor that needs to come out. So we'll schedule surgery and do the lab work.

Today I will glance at my husband and in his embrace tears will drain down both of our faces. Today I know that nobody else in this world loves my Jacob as much as my Jon.

Tonight we will close our day on our knees. Why did it have to be my turn to pray? (I pray on all the odd days). I've never sobbed a more heartfelt prayer. I was able to say everything. I just poured it all out on the family room floor.

Unbelievable.