Scanxiety

The tightness clenching my chest began last Sunday. I try to ignore it and breathe in deeply, release my shoulders, roll my head. There's no denying the tension headache or the difficulty falling asleep, though I'm exhausted.

There's the vision of walking back through those hospital doors and being grabbed at the ankles and dragged back into a life that I don't want to be a part of. We are happy walking away from the treatments, the clinic visits, the endless waiting. We are happy walking toward other adventures - field trips, family vacations, public elementary school, and swimming pools.

It's undeniable how the worry creeps up. I didn't expect it DAYS before the actual scans. I thought these scans would be the least scary - he's been on chemo for 6 months. How could there possibly be anything to worry about? Though I tried not to worry, my body told me that worry lingered - even while my spirit tried to whisper peace.

Then it leaves for a while. I enjoy the day with my kids at the KidSpace Museum. I race through days of carpools, physical therapy, 4th grade plays, and getting kids to birthday parties. Then it's scan time.